New Year's Eve

Hello world,

My, my, my... the year 2014 is coming into a close...
I honestly feel as if I didn't do anything that was significant and I am absolutely fine with that. I needed a chill and bum year after the bullshit that I went through with friends and as President. haha!

Reflections? I've grown to have bad memories now... so I won't really remember much. It honestly started out great because ... I went studying abroad! I had a great time but even trying to remember my trip has gotten a bit more difficult. After the trip, I came back to the reality. I carried out my last semester as President of a student organization. It honestly wasn't my greatest highlights but I pulled through. Worst part was hearing your own members talking crap about you. Thinking about it now, it's all so ridiculous. In the end, as predicted, I don't care anymore and it doesn't affect me. What I learned from it was that people can be ridiculous and fake. I don't need that negativity in my life. I'm glad I got that over and done with. Those people really pulled me down and gave negative energy. I'm glad I now know how to step away from negativity. It's a lot easier now that I'm older and have experienced so many bullshit.

On the positive side, halfway and towards the end, I've realized that I am blessed with those I choose as my close and real friends. I do want to continue to keep them close. I haven't had a deep, one-on-one conversation with friends for a long time. In the end, I just needed to let out all my frustrations over conversations. I really do treasure those moments. One thing I've learned about myself throughout the years is that... when I'm friends with someone, I come with good intentions and I will sacrifice for you. I will make time for you. I am a loyal friend only if you do the same with me and that's all I really ask. My type of friendship isn't so complicated and materialistic. I'm glad a few friends recognize that :)

2015 is coming up next. What should I expect for this new year?

I'll be turning 24 years old. It will be the year of the sheep. I have lived for two Chinese zodiac cycles. I think I know what I want to do for my 24th birthday. Usually, I don't plan for it so when it happens, it's last minute and I'm totally fine with that. This year, I want to spend it with close friends who have been there for me and have changed or formed me. Of course, that means I'll do that on separate accounts. I just want to have a chill dinner or coffee date with them.

For Spring Break, I want to do something big with my boyfriend. We have never really traveled together before so I really wanna go on a cruise with him. This punk... I'm going to make it happen!

Resolutions? I've stopped caring because everyone around me would make expectations and when they didn't meet them.. they'd cry and whine about it. I learn from their experiences and just chose not to care anymore but this year... I want to make resolutions. This year I want to love myself and give love again. By loving myself, I will start taking care of my body and eating healthy. I want to get to know myself better. I want to know my good and bad sides. I want to know every detail about myself because it's good to know self-awareness. I want to give love again, genuinely. I want to reach out to friends again. Because what I went through with my friends, I hid myself away from everyone. I became introverted. I didn't care.

Lastly, I want to get back to my first love again: Dance. One main thing that I really did was during the summer, I performed with my friends at Danceworks. I dreaded it. Now I was given a break from it, I feel recharged and want to feel creative again. With the Cultural Entertainment Night coming up in April, I'm going to be dancing a lot with my friends! I'm excited. I want to create again :)

So, Happy New Years!! Stay warm and cheers to 2015!

Sick of it.

I will not let anyone mistreat me.
I will not be an option.
I deserve to be equally important.

I hate it when I'm loyal to friends and I give it my all only to be disappointed to be an option. I know I'm not the most prettiest nor the most entertaining friend... but I can be loyal, I can give a shoulder, I can listen to your problems.. I'll fight for you, I'll defend you. I'll show you that I am someone of worth and you have worth.

In the end, it's not my loss, it's their loss when I walk away.

badum..

My heart's been acting weird...

It started when I was drinking Margarita Bud lights with friends... I knew I didn't wanna drink it because it was going to be too sweet. Drinks after drinks.. having wine, then coconut sake... all these weird drinks together... Laughing very hard... then my heart would seem to skip a beat... I would hold my breath.. then take a couple deep breaths.

It happened again today after a few hard laughs... Ugh, why is my heart doing this? I am unhealthy :( I put too much on my heart. Please beat properly. I'll take care of you.

Roads to Mountains

Finally, 10 months after my study abroad to Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia, I finally edited some footage for public view. But actually, this is for a class project for Urban Anthropology. This film only shows a snippet from my journey from Vietnam to Laos, excluding Cambodia.

The main focus is the difference between urban Hanoi, urban Luang Prabang, and the rest of rural, mountainous Laos. However, I am aware that most of these footage don’t do justice to each country due to my limited time and destination.

I hope you enjoy, either way, and ignore the random conversations in the video :)

I don't know how to say goodbye...

To my dear aunt:

It breaks my heart to see your children missing you and writing to you on Facebook. They miss you and I hope you see and feel it... I couldn't bid you a farewell properly. I think of the time when I visited your home and you leaving me some loving advice. That's all you could ever give me and I thank you. You were too young to leave us. 

To my dear friend:

Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral.. I know I wasn't close to you but you left a great impression in my life. How could you leave in such a moment? One day you're here and then you're not. I knew you were going through your challenges but in your last few months, you were soaring. Life can really just stop unexpectedly. Thank you for your stories, your laughs... Thank you for living.

What's wrong with me?

A few days ago, a Hmong guy friend complimented me. It started when I was talking about my experiences of getting hit on in Laos. It only happened once so it wasn't so bad compared to other girls on the trip. I said, "but it's okay. I'm not that pretty anyways so that way they won't hit on me." My friend responded, "don't say that. You do have some good-looking qualities." It really made me blush.  Not a lot of guys would say that to me. I was speechless and flustered. I don't care if he was just trying to be nice but it's been a while since another guy besides my boyfriend that gave me a compliment. 

Also, besides that moment, I thought about him all night. I couldn't get the thought of what he said out of my mind. Am I really that naive and easy to let a guy's compliment get to me? 

Then I knew what was missing from my relationship. You see, my boyfriend is a quiet type of guy. He doesn't express his love physically or vocally. He shows it by action and giving. I appreciate all the things he's done but sometimes I wish he would compliment me or hold me genuinely. I've told him things he could work on but it's always "yea I will try". Just words.... I may be asking for much but I wish he could tell me how cute I am once in a while. That I look good. 

I always get sad when I think about these things.... There are so many times when I tell myself, "it's okay, I accept him for who he is even with these flaws of his and things he doesn't do" but it's been so long where I think it may be affecting how I see myself...